other part of me..

This week has been one of the hardest week ever. It all started when my parents decided to do something that will change my life forever, the assignments (there are tons of them, I mean it.), the final report, and finally, the competition of National Best Student. I was only given 3 days to make the essays, in two languages. Then, my Dean will select one to represent my faculty before the university decides who’s eligible to represent ITB in the national event (from all faculties existed). Off the top of my head, the topic that I could possibly think of was about women’s trafficking and abuse, since my mom has given me a non-stop lecture about it and I’ve done some voluntary activity on the subject. I thought I knew enough. Turned out, I was dead wrong. When I did the presentation, it was…horrible. I mean, I never been humiliated that much in my life. One of my lecturer actually said that it was the worst essay and critizing that it was fake. I know my lecturers quite well, they are very objective and I know they meant nothing personal. The critics was for my own interest, so I thanked them and walk out of the room.

I felt like I was gonna cry, but what the heck, I thought. If I can’t take critics, it means that I’m never gonna grow up. So I decide to be cool about it, like grown-ups will do.

To my surprise, they choose me to represent my faculty. In one condition: I have to make a new essay. 20 pages in 2 days time. The Vice-Dean suggested that I should write something real, something I know by heart. To me, those criterias refer to teaching english to my “sunday kids” and bali dancing, but I figured that doing a research on dance is time consuming considering I don’t have much time left. I am not an expert on teaching and don’t have 667 on my TOEFL test, but I do love these kids and I enjoy teaching very much. I feel so lucky that I was given the opportunity to meet them. Most of them were raised under minor-abuse, coming from low-income family, and never get too see their parents. So here come the title, “Pendidikan Luar Sekolah: Pengembangan Metode Pengajaran Bahasa Inggris terhadap Anak Kurang Mampu.”

I have never done this kind of research paper before, nothing this serious. So what I did was I got some my friends who has done similar activity on the phone and interviewed them. I also asked these kids some questiones, since they’re not capable of filling a questionnaire yet. I didn’t sleep until about 3 o’clock in the morning. I managed to finish it, it was far from perfect but it was the best that I could do in 2 days with other burdens on my back (the talk-show, the exams). But my university is quite famous on the technical side, and I’m sure students from other faculties will come up with something so great that it will make my essay look like trash. ( I’m not being a dramaqueen, it’s true). So here I am, wishing that I was not chosen.

My friends kept telling me that all this time I’ve been too hard on myself, I always ask for the best and will not be happy with less than perfect. “That’s not how life’s work, ty” said my beloved one. He told me I have to rel-aa-axx and enjoy life. I should not care too much on people who put me down, because I don’t want to get carried away. Yes, that is absolutely true, but sometimes I feel like I don’t trust myself. I mean, in the past I have experienced so many disapointments that I feel like I shoud expect nothing from anyone

So I’m really afraid on this coming presentation, I don’t want to win really, because I know there are people who are way smarter than I am, have better english and curriculum vitae. I just don’t want to look too stupid in front of a genius. I only want to point out that teaching/or any contribution in our community does not require hardwork, a little extra efforts will mean a lot for those who needed it.

Posted by takestwototango at 6:04 AM | Permalink | Comments

How to make your life (a little) better.


Well, it's 2007. Instead of a yearly resolutions, i'd like to list many things I've been through or done in the previous time, i think they can spark up a little something in your life too.

1. Start re-use paper. Simple, but it's very useful. I collect all those papers from lecturer, slides, etc and use the back side to take notes. gw berhasil mengurangi tumpukan kertas di kamar, malah sekarang modul ngajar gw pake kertas bekas.

2. Get a better hair style. I got my hair smoothed again. Some say i look better with wavy hair, but heck, i had to struggle every morning just to get it tidy.

3.Accept the truth. I can't describe this since it's very personal. In short, there's been some changing in my life. I try to deny it so bad but then i just ended up getting more pathethic. so i took a deep breath and just deal with it.

4.Lebih hemat. Gw ngurangin makan di resto/food court, ngusahain makan di rumah atau bawa bekel (kaya anak Sd ya..hehe). Termasuk ngurangin blanja tas dan sepatu sama nonton/beli dvds..huhu susah bangeeet. Tapi ya worth trying kok.

7. Volunteer. It made you realize how much you've missed and how much you've got. Karena gw suka anak-anak jadi hal ini menyenangkan sekali daripada mikirin TA.hoho.

7.Believe in Karma. Aneh yaa... tapi pokonya, kalo org ngelakuin hal yang menyebalkan dan menyakitkan..well, just wait and see pastinya dia juga ngerasain yang sama, bukan dari kita , tapi dari org lain. But remember, same things work for us. It's vice versa, jadi ya ini sekaligus 'memotivasi' biar ga nyakitin org lain.

Posted by takestwototango at 6:38 AM | Permalink | Comments

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

(Elizabeth Bishop – One art)

I have,once, lost a city, a lover, a friend. I don't want to loose you. I don't want to loose us. At the beginning of the relationship, we promise each other to make everything work. But you see, i don't have to work for anything because you made it so easy. Alhamdullilah, i have you in my life.

I love you, dear. I won't give up on us. Happy anniversary :)

here's a quote from "Rumor has it", I don't want to say i can't live without you because i can, i just don't want to.

Posted by takestwototango at 4:27 AM | Permalink | Comments

"I love him, but I just don’t see any future with him"

I, myself have said that statement before. When my friend phoned this morning, and spilled her story, that sentence somehow made a lot more sense to me. She was in a relationship with this guy for about 2 years, she just graduated, find a good job and moved out of the city. The guy, on the other hand, still in school (he’s older than her,FYI) and apparently still in love with winning eleven rather than the idea of finishing college. Things were going fine at first, but suddenly the relationship does not make sense anymore. She was working and earning her own money, while the guy still in the ‘having fun’ phase. All she ever talk about was work, he start to feel insecure and telling her to ‘seize the day’ a bit. Finally, she called it off. Still, she was crying hard. But the thing is, she knew that (academicly) she was always better than him, and he is not exactly the most responsible man on earth since the very first time. So, why break up now? She has been putting up with him for 2 years, and now she gave up. What’s she been doing in 2 years? Hoping that he would change?

I’ve learned from my own and other’s experience that relationship is so much more than liking (or loving?) each other. As we grow older, relationship required more responsibility, understanding, and patience. There are somethings that we thought we can work out on the way, but we can not. The other story of my relative, her bf’s family dislike her for some reason, and she finally decided that it’s not worth it. That was quite heartbreaking, since they were already engaged at that time. I, personally don’t see any point of dating a guy who definetely not a boyfriend material, because it would be like wasting time. What’s the point of dating someone if we know that it’s not gonna last long? You’re going out, engaged, the next thing you know is that the wedding is off. I couldn’t stop but to wonder, she already know that his mother dislike her since the first time they met, but why she give up now? Why not years ago when they haven’t got engaged?

That, just got me thinking..how far should we fight for love, and when do we know that we should just let it go?

Posted by takestwototango at 4:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

Complicated artinya rumit, sulit dijelaskan. Dulu saya berpikir, tidak ada yang namanya “complicated”, semua bisa dijelaskan kok. Saya dulu berpikir, kalau memulai hubungan itu mudah. Suka ya pacaran, gak ya udah, berteman juga tidak salah. Sebagai pihak yang punya pilihan, kalau ada yang lebih baik kenapa nggak? God I was so naïve.

Tapi, ternyata tidak semudah itu. Saat saya pertama kali pacaran di masa SMA, ibu saya bilang-setengah bercanda-; “suka aja gak pernah cukup.” She was so right. Pacaran butuh tenaga ekstra, buat sms-sms perhatian, waktu yang dihabiskan berdua, belum lagi saat-saat bertengkar. Capek. Saling menyukai bukan berarti kita bisa saling mengerti. Saya yang egois, dia yang posesif. Setelah 1 tahun 3 bulan, saya sadar dia bukan orang yang cocok buat saya. Sedih,tapi lega. It’s finally over, my crying days.

Rupanya pelajaran tentang relationship tidak selesai sampai disitu. Pelajaran yang kedua ini jauh lebih mengena. Kalau ditanya bagaimana tipe orang yang saya suka, saya pasti menjawab “smart guys.” Smart for me is not equal to genius. Cukup punya wawasan yang luas, pintar menempatkan diri, dan bisa mengingatkan. High standard? Bukan sama-sekali, saya cuma realistis kok. Bohong kalau saya bilang saya tidak melihat outer look, tapi setidaknya itu bukan yang utama.

Saya pernah bilang, memilih pasangan itu sama dengan memilih buku. Don’t judge it by its cover, harus dibaca, dimengerti atau bahkan hanya dengan beberapa halaman pertama kita sudah tahu apakah kita menyukainya atau tidak. Ternyata prinsip judge the book by its cover belum bisa saya lakukan sepenuhnya. Saya pertama kali bertemu dengan orang ini di tahun pertama kuliah. First impression, judes. Pertemuan kedua dan seterusnya, entah mengapa saya jadi bicara banyak, diskusi (atau berdebat?) tentang banyak hal. Secara akademis, dia bukan salah satu “smart guys” tapi saya suka pendapatnya tentang banyak hal. He was smart to me. Kalau ada yang bilang, “apa sih yang lo liat di dia?” saya tidak bisa menjelaskan, it was chemistry.

Saya pun memulai hubungan tidak jelas. Saya sayang dia tapi ada suatu perasaan aneh yang muncul, berkata kalau saya dan dia tidak bisa bersama. Dia bilang saya tidak cukup mendengarkan, saya bilang dia tidak bertanggung jawab pada dirinya sendiri. Memang betul, I am one hell of a selfish person. Disini pelajaran kedua dimulai. Saya pikir, tidak ada salahnya mengingatkan seseorang, apalagi orang terdekat. Padahal ada kalanya orang itu tidak butuh nasehat, dia cuma butuh didengarkan. I tried to turn him into someone he’s not. Padahal seharusnya saya bisa menerima dia apa adanya. Akhirnya, setelah berulang kali bilang akan menjauh, akhirnya kita benar-benar menjauh. Saya tidak siap, walaupun tentu saja karena gengsi yang berlebihan saya berkata saya akan baik-baik saja tanpa dia.


Disini episode “crying-days” kedua dimulai. Saya mencoba menyakinkan diri saya akan baik-baik saja, I even try to date another guy. Did not work. Sebaliknya, dia sudah di tahap moving on, sudah memulai hubungan dengan orang lain. Saya merasa sangat bodoh. Saya ingat saat-saat menangis malam dan harus bangun ekstra pagi untuk mengompres mata. Saat-saat saya ingin cepat-cepat pulang dari kampus dan tidak kemana-mana selama jam kuliah karena takut bertemu. Stupid,eh?

Tapi Alhamdullilah, it was a blessing in disguise. Setelah saya berulang kali mengutuk diri sendiri, saya sadar ucapan teman saya benar. Dia bilang “gak ada gunanya ty, buat apa lo sedih, dia juga disana gak mikirin lo.”

Sometime after that, I am over him. It’s funny somehow, mengingat dia bukan kategori “smart-guys” saya, but he broke my heart the most. Bukan salah siapa-siapa. Mungkin memang begitu seharusnya.

Sekitar pertengahan Oktober tahun lalu, saya merasa saya sudah cukup lama bersedih. No more. Enough, saya cuma menyiksa diri sendiri. Sudah waktunya membuka pintu hati. Buat siapa? Jawaban teman saya, “ ya dibuka aja hati lo dulu, nanti juga ada kok.” Saya tertawa.

4 bulan sesudahnya, saya bisa membuka hati lagi. Rasanya sangat menyenangkan menyayangi orang yang menyayangi saya juga. Ketika saya melihat lagi kebelakang, ada perasaan lega, thank God it is over. Saya tidak menyesal tetapi tidak ada keinginan sedikitpun untuk membuka lembaran itu lagi. Saya sadar kalau hubungan yang tidak berjalan dengan baik bukan berarti kita tidak pernah mencoba, We tried, gagal, berarti, memang ada yang lebih baik untuk dia dan lebih baik untuk saya.

Sekarang, saya sudah bersama orang yang jauh lebih baik untuk saya. Semoga untuk seterusnya.

Posted by takestwototango at 5:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever thanked globalization for ‘bringing you the world’? Have you ever wonder how different your life going to be without internet, without knowing what happen to people halfway way around from you, without reading the TIMES, COSMOPOLITAN or watching Mtv? Some people say globalization is starting a long time ago, which is right. The only difference between the old time and now is the speed of it. The world is turning into a global village define as an integrated system in which all the constituent parts are interdependent and linked. Is it a good thing?

Some say it is, each country get what they needed from other country in exchange of money or goods. Theoretically, that is what supposes to be happening, completing each other. Taking a closer look on globalization’s effect on the third world countries, I can see why people define globalization as a way to ‘make the rich richer and the poor poorer.’

A lot of women in third world countries (in this case Philippines) have gone for a better paying job in United States because they can not make ends meet at home. Meanwhile, they are leaving their kids at home with the remains family, and send them money every month for family support. These mothers, often work as a nanny, are now taking care of somebody else’s children , treating them with affection not only because it is their job but it is what they can not give to their own child. The country defined migration as a ‘personal choice’, but is it really personal? Do you think those immigrant worker want to leave their children? No, the economy forces them to do it.

As a nanny in Singapore they get paid $200 in a month but in Los Angeles they could earn $1400. How is this happening? Well, according to William Greider, Multinational Corporations is the “muscle and brain” behind the new global system which causes growing inequality. Those corporations have, in the past 20 years, increased their sales sevenfold. As a result, middle class society in third world country earned less than the poor of the first world. (Global Woman, pages 17). As the gap between the north and the south gone wider, the culture become more integrated (thanks to TV shows and internet). People in all around the world know everything about US, but not the other way around. Have you ever wonder what it feels like for low-wages, under-aged worker in Indonesia to watch a show talking about Paris Hilton’s jewelry? It is more like a material striptease, is should say. Whether we realize it or not, America has been a dream for people all around the world, and I believe this is one of the factor why people wanted to migrate, to reach their dream or simply just to run errands back home.

Back to the immigrant worker, these people seeking for a better paying job in other countries is not only those who are low skilled. I’ve known many smart- well educated people who prefer to work abroad because they get paid more, not only that, they feel more ‘appreciated’ overseas. In that condition these third world countries are loosing their people; they’re loosing the intellectual, which is the key success of developing a country. Worse, the children who had been ‘abandoned’ by these immigrant workers felt like they’re practically loosing their mother. The care and affection of these mothers has been shifted to the first-world children that they took care for money. Of course the money goes back home, but the love does not. I know I just look at this in one point of view, but truly, globalization has taken so much from the third-world countries, it is now able to extract love. One of the kids that got interviewed (I read this in Global Woman), said that even though his mother send him money more than enough every month, he feels like he does not have a mother anymore, no-one to talk about problems, no one to hug, and he even mentioned that he forgot how his mom looks like. He didn’t blame his mother though; he knew that she had no other choice.

Would it be nice for the home county to create choice? A well paid job for mothers so they can take care of their own child.

Posted by takestwototango at 10:39 PM | Permalink | Comments